The thoughts, reflections, rantings and ravings of a counselor who firmly believes that good therapy can change your life, and therefore change the world (for the better) and bad and/or no therapy can lead to wars and destruction.
Just LOVE ♥️ (I’m going to pitch this idea to Nike. 😉)
“Love, I thought to myself abstractedly. Not ‘This is love.’ or ‘Is this love?’ Not a sentence, not a certainty, not a thought with moving parts or direction. Just love, all of it, as it is. Whether it’s enough or not. Wthether it’s real or we’re making it up. However shoddy it gets, or bent out of shape. It’s still extraordinary. However foolish, however vain. However badly it ends. Love.”
― Julian Gough
Perks of being a counselor: Learning from working with so many different people that no one ever regretted loving too much. They did regret not loving enough, but never too much.
So I’m passing this learning on to you in the hopes that any opportunity you have to love, you will go all out!
Love as much as there are stars in the universe and as long as their stardust continues to exist amongst us all.
Besides the arrival of the Corona Virus, Spring has also arrived.
A lot has happened in the last 2 months. One could say the whole world has turned upside down and inside out.
We’ve learned new phrases such as social distancing and become “experts” in Covid-19. We’ve learned that toilet paper is a hotter commodity in times of international panic than maybe even food. We’ve had to listen to our president address us almost on a daily basis and have learned about the World Health Organization and Center for Disease Control.
Our jobs have had to transform from in person interactions to online platforms overnight and our homes have become our centers of ALL activities. We are cooking more than ever before, spending more time with our families than ever before and have had to learn to be still and patient more than ever before.
Our skin on our hands are dry and peeling from all the hand washing and surfaces have never been as clean as they are now.
On the one hand, we are weary of anyone who so much as looks like they are going to cough and yet at the same time we are much more drawn to being out and about and interacting with others than ever before.
The irony of being told to stay home and do nothing and not being able to follow through, when in the past we might have even prayed for this kind of down time and eagerly accepted it, is not lost on me. We don’t like to be told what to do, unless we agree with what’s being asked of us.
Life has transformed from making plans to go out with friends to figuring out what to do all day, every day, at home along side the people who live with us.
How does everything that’s happening affect our mental health? The answer is not simple or easy. The truth is that for every single person, the width, depth and breadth of this time period’s effect on us will be different.
So what can you do? Without being too prescriptive, I’d like to put out some suggestions that I try to do myself when I’m feeling lost or overwhelmed. Here are some ideas in no particular order. I hope you find this list helpful.
When you’re lost or overwhelmed:
1. Create a loose schedule to structure your day.
2. Insert some kind of movement in your day. It can be yoga, dance, walking in place, jumping jacks, sit ups, going up and down your stairs, watching a YouTube video of some kind of movement, etc.
3. Treat yourself. Create deadlines for yourself and then reward yourself with a movie, a piece of chocolate, a nap, playing with your dogs or kids, etc. Do something that helps you to feel better about yourself.
4. Watch a YouTube video and learn a new skill. It doesn’t have to be something super hard. Watch a make-up tutorial and learn how to put on your fake eye lashes. Watch a hair tutorial and learn how to fish braid your daughter’s hair. Learn to cook something new or fix something that’s been broken a long time. Learn how to say simple phrases in a new language. The world is your oyster!
5. Check in on friends using any of the free video platforms available to you. You can use Facebook Messenger to video chat, WhatsApp, FaceTime, Zoom, Skype, etc.
6. Start your own unique weekly group event. For example, you can set up a weekly Skype meeting with friends where everyone shares their favorite book, recipe, show, quote, poem, music, sports trivia, etc.
7. Share your expertise with others. Host a weekly, bi-monthly or monthly event through a video platform and share your knowledge about a particular topic with others.
8. Get creative! Re-purpose some of the items of your home for other uses.
9. Rearrange your furniture. Change things up in your home, move things around. You can always move them back.
10. Schedule self care time for yourself every day. It doesn’t have to be long. You can paint your nails, read a book, read the news, scroll through social media, stretch, meditate, journal, write your own blog, put on a face mask, pray, look up sports statistics and trivia, etc.
Most of all, don’t judge yourself for where you’re at right now. No one has ever lived through what we’re going through right now. How can we have a standard to judge ourselves when such unprecedented times have never occurred in our lifetime?
Perks of being a counselor:
We’re all doing the best we can. And we’ve learned slowly, but surely, that we can do hard things. Yes we can!
“I wish you pain.” “But why?” You might ask? Here’s one way to look at pain:
The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
As 2019 comes to a close, it’s important to take time to reflect on how you got through life this past year.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself:
1. What was one of the most difficult experiences of 2019?
2. How did I get through this difficulty?
3. Is there a pattern connected to this difficulty I experienced in 2019? (In other words, have I experienced something similar in the past?)
4. If so, what was the theme?
5. What did I learn about myself after this experience?
6. How do I want to do things differently moving forward?
7. What was one good thing that happened to me in 2019?
8. What did I learn about myself during and after this good thing happened?
9. How did I participate in creating this good experience and what can I do to create more good experiences in my life?
10. What is one way I helped another person this past year?
11. How did that feel?
12. How do I want to participate in acts of service and kindness in 2020?
I will leave you with the lyrics of Andy Grammer’s new song, “Wish You Pain.” He said it better than I can. While I don’t ever wish for anyone to deal with tragedy, I am aware of the growth connected to suffering and depth of understanding of what is most important in life when one experiences deep sorrow. And since life is filled with not just happiness, but also pain and sorrow, we can, at the very least, try to gain something from it by reflecting on how it has helped us grow.
“I hope your doubts come like monsters And terrorize your dreams I hope you feel the lonely hopelessness ‘Cause no one else believes I hope you question whether you ever really had a chance at all
I hope your fear is thick like poison It gets into your blood I hope you push until you cannot breathe And it’s still not enough I hope you put your life out on the line And everybody watches while you fall
‘Cause I love you more than you could know And your heart, it grows every time it breaks I know that it might sound strange
But I wish you pain Wish you pain It’s hard to say But I wish you pain
I hope people break their promises Leave you in the cold I hope they beat your heart to pieces Worse than you’ve ever known I hope you finally arrive, only to find you’re nowhere close
I hope you cry and tears come streaming down your face I hope this life traps you in more than you thought you could ever take I hope the help you want never comes and you do it on your own
‘Cause I love you more than you could know And your heart, it grows every time it breaks I know that it might sound strange
But I wish you pain Wish you pain It’s hard to say But I wish you pain
I love you more than you could even know Been here before and I just wanna see you grow Want you to grow
‘Cause everything that matters most That’s where it goes by a different name I know that it might sound strange
But I wish you pain I wish you pain It’s hard to say Wish you pain
I love you more than you could even know I’ve been here before and I just wanna see you grow Want you to grow”
Having been to the end of the tunnel numerous times, not just in my own life, but witnessed it through the stories of others, and having seen the light in order to be able to know and reassure you that there is, indeed, some form of transformation and light at the end of the tunnel.
I wish you pain…and love, happiness, joy, peace, health, prosperity and well-being in all areas of your life too!
Happy New Year! Thank you for all your love and support! I appreciate you! ❤️
“There is a perception that speaking up for boundaries is somehow introducing conflict into a situation, or at very least, escalating it in an unkind way, like, everything was fine until you spoke up for your needs and now you made it weird. But not speaking up is not making the situation better, it’s just giving the other person more license to operate and communicating that you are okay with the behavior. There is no prize for being the world’s most stoic and accommodating person. A friendship that cannot survive the momentary discomfort of you standing up for your needs is not actually a friendship worth holding onto. Nobody loves being told that they are screwing up, obviously, but if you don’t have the ability to ever take any negative feedback along the lines of ‘Hey, could you not do that one thing anymore, thanks?’ from a friend, YOU are the problem. When told that they are stepping on someone’s foot, good adult people will apologize and get off the foot and not perpetuate a FEELINGS DUMP about their need to really stand on other’s feet sometimes.
Communicating ‘Hey, that’s where my boundary is, thanks,’ IS KINDNESS.
It is giving the other person the tools they need to be in a good relationship with you.”
~Jennifer Peepas
Perks of being a counselor:
Constantly having the opportunity to practice the art of establishing healthy boundaries because it’s important to practice what you preach.
Since it’s Halloween, let’s talk about this one day a year (or so we think), when we get to dress up and be someone else for a short period of time. Ironically, being someone else on Halloween is not only allowed, but that’s how you “do” Halloween. That’s the whole point…to be someone else.
Interestingly enough, the rest of the year, many, if not all of us, continue to wear invisible masks in order to “do” life. The more invisible masks we wear, the more complicated life becomes. We have our home masks and our work masks; our party masks and our “I’m okay” masks. We have our “I’m confident” masks and our “I’m not going to let them see me cry” masks.
What if, just for one day, we didn’t wear any masks and our inner and outer life was congruent? What if we were authentically ourselves and let Halloween do it’s job once a year, instead of the dressing up and pretending lasting all year long, for our whole life?
How might this world be a different place if we acknowledged our pain, sadness and grief? Our lack of confidence and our loneliness? What if we were exactly who we are?
I’m venturing to guess that what we’d see is that we are so much more alike than different. We are all suffering in some way and we are all experiencing some kind of joy too. We might see more of ourselves in others because now instead of looking at others and seeing their masks, we look and see ourselves reflected in someone else. We exchange metaphorical Masks for metaphorical Mirrors.
And…if I look at you and see a part of myself, aren’t I more likely to feel connected to you?
Yes. I certainly am.
Perks of being a counselor:
Having a job that has taught me to take off my mask and see a part of myself in every encounter with another person so that I can connect, empathize and “see” them for who they really are instead of who society tells them they should be.
And oh my goodness the beauty that unfolds when a human being is really “seen” and “heard”!!! ❤️
One of the basic needs in human beings is to be seen and understood by those whom we interact with. In fact, the need to be seen is so strong that attention received for anything we do will be taken in as if it’s water quenching a extreme thirst.
This has a myriad of implications. On the one hand, those giving the “attention” can literally shape our interactions with others, early childhood caregivers being first and foremost on the list. Depending on what they choose to “pay” attention to, that is exactly what they will get more of.
On the other hand, depending on what we see getting the attention of our loved ones, we will do more of, sometimes consciously and sometimes subconsciously.
Human beings want to connect, want to be heard and understood. We will continually repeat behaviors over and over again if we think it will get us the “attention” we need and desire.
However, as we become more self-aware, and as we start to process and understand our past, our pain, our history and our life, we begin to understand our own behaviors and who we are. We start to see that no matter how we’ve grown and changed, that some people are deeply committed to “seeing” us and “paying attention” to us in ways they have done in the past. This does not mean that we haven’t changed. It means they haven’t changed. And as such, they are committed to “seeing” us the way they always have.
Give yourself permission to stop explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you.
Perks of being a counselor:
Not only being able to give myself permission to not have to explain myself, but for those who want someone else’s permission, being the person who is happy to step up and give them the permission & reminder to be themselves. Be you. Be’you’tiful.
Today I forgot to wear my Apple Watch when I went for my walk (let me just acknowledge the privilege in that first statement before I go on). So I don’t know how many steps I took, calories I burned or miles I walked. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t do it and it doesn’t mean I didn’t and won’t benefit from it.
In a world where documenting life has become the norm, sometimes we might feel like if we don’t take a picture or record what we’re doing, that what we’ve done doesn’t count.
I feel the most healthy when no one actually knows what I’m doing. It’s not that I don’t want to share my successes (and failures) with others. It’s just that when no one knows what I’m doing, I know I’m doing it for myself. And even more importantly, if I’m able to continue to do something healthy for myself without accountability to anyone else but myself, then I personally feel like I’ve made the most progress in advancing towards a healthier lifestyle.
Don’t get me wrong, I love social media. In moderation. And I do love seeing other people do well and learn from them through their social media posts. But I guess like everything else in life, I’m always seeking balance.
So for those of you doing well and/or struggling, I see you, even when you don’t post about it on social media. Know that your life is very much “normal” because the normal state of human being and human becoming is a state of flux, a state of imbalance and ups and downs. There is no such thing as “normal,” only how we choose to respond to life. And that response is different for each one of us because we are all unique.
Perks of being a counselor:
Knowing that “normal” is overrated. I’ve had the most learning and fun in life in moments that have gone unrecorded and undocumented which occurred in the most “abnormal” situations and experiences.
“What is ‘no’? Either you have asked the wrong question or you have asked the wrong person. Find a way to get the ‘yes’.”
–Jeanette Winterson
I am often faced with situations where I have to find the ‘yes’.
It’s not easy to get to the ‘yes’ because hidden in the ‘yes’ is the internal belief that I’m deserving of a ‘yes’. Also hidden is the ability to be able to handle a ‘no’ without feeling defeated and rejected.
There are also boundaries to observe. There is a huge difference between someone who pushes their way to a ‘yes’ vs. someone who gracefully perseveres in the direction of a ‘yes’ without violating their own, as well as other people’s boundaries.
Still deeper, and even more hidden, is the ‘yes’ answer we give ourselves when we start to believe in our own capacity, talents, worthiness and potential. This kind of ‘yes’ is not one where we have measured ourselves against others in order to see where we stand and who we are. This ‘yes’ is about the acceptance, love, acknowledgment and gratitude for who we are in that exact moment, the acceptance of being perfectly imperfect.
The key is to make sure you’re not saying ‘no’ to yourself before you have the opportunity to ask for what you want, and to be patient enough to wait for and search for the ‘yes’.
Perks of Being a Counselor: being able to give myself the permission to ask for what I want and need because I know that even if someone else’s answer for me is ‘no’, I am very capable of saying ‘yes’ to myself.
If you’re like me, you often conveniently or accidentally forget how hard you’ve worked to make it through some of the rough times.
How you talk to yourself and what you think about yourself is extremely important. Your words and thoughts do affect you and your well-being.
It has been postured that talking to plants can help them grow. Imagine if you spoke to yourself in a way that would help you grow, what would that sound like? What would you say?
So take some notes about your life, especially about the times you overcame what may have at the time seemed like insurmountable odds, write yourself a letter, document your successes and read it to yourself over and over again when you feel all is lost. Speak to yourself the way you would to a loved one.
Perks of being a counselor? Witnessing growth and change in others when I sit with them in therapy in that painfully uncomfortable space where their doubts and sorrows live, seeing what happens when they are fully validated and accepted for who they are without any judgment and are truly seen and heard. Then knowing that I can do exactly the same same for myself, sit with my own pain and sense of failure, have a loving dialogue with the hurt parts of myself, because while I am no better than anyone else, I am no less than them either and deserve to be loved, cherished and cared for.
No, we’re not getting married or running for office. Lol!
The picture you see here is one of me and my ex-husband, walking down the aisle together as co-parents at our eldest daughter’s wedding this past December.
It took us a few years to get to this point, time I’m hoping many of you who are newly divorced will not waste on parenting against each other instead of with each other.
No, we’re not the perfect co-parents after our marriage ended as the picture above may insinuate. We are not nor will ever be perfect at co-parenting. However, we can learn to work together instead of expending energy working against each other.
I don’t know about you, but as I get older, I have less and less energy to spend on arguing and fighting with anyone, much less the father of my children.
Besides the personal health benefits of not being in a tug of war with your ex-partner/spouse, your children are the ones who benefit most from an amicable co-parenting situation.
And this is the key point here, that your children deserve to have two parents who work together to ensure the best outcome for each of their children despite possibly having their own personal, less than favorable thoughts and opinions of their ex-partner/spouse.
So learn from me. Don’t spend your time negating each other. Find a way to harmonize whatever time you have to co-parent with your ex-partner/spouse and find it in yourself to be the bigger person, if you have to, in order for your children to have peace of mind and heart that they are loved and taken care of by both of their primary caregivers.
A win-win situation for all.
**Disclaimer:
Please note that I recognize there are many situations in co-parenting where the other person is simply absent, non-cooperative, abusive, dangerous and manipulative. I am by no means stating that you have any control over how the other person is behaving nor that you should subject yourself and/or your children to abuse, danger and/or physical harm. Each situation and each family is unique. Please seek professional help if you feel you and/or your children are in danger.
Besides 911, I have provided other helpful phone numbers below.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Perks of Being a Counselor 