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BOUNDARIES! Couldn’t have said it any better myself!

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries…

“There is a perception that speaking up for boundaries is somehow introducing conflict into a situation, or at very least, escalating it in an unkind way, like, everything was fine until you spoke up for your needs and now you made it weird. But not speaking up is not making the situation better, it’s just giving the other person more license to operate and communicating that you are okay with the behavior. There is no prize for being the world’s most stoic and accommodating person. A friendship that cannot survive the momentary discomfort of you standing up for your needs is not actually a friendship worth holding onto. Nobody loves being told that they are screwing up, obviously, but if you don’t have the ability to ever take any negative feedback along the lines of ‘Hey, could you not do that one thing anymore, thanks?’ from a friend, YOU are the problem. When told that they are stepping on someone’s foot, good adult people will apologize and get off the foot and not perpetuate a FEELINGS DUMP about their need to really stand on other’s feet sometimes.

Communicating ‘Hey, that’s where my boundary is, thanks,’ IS KINDNESS.

It is giving the other person the tools they need to be in a good relationship with you.”

~Jennifer Peepas

Perks of being a counselor:

Constantly having the opportunity to practice the art of establishing healthy boundaries because it’s important to practice what you preach.

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What if the answer is YES?!

“What is ‘no’? Either you have asked the wrong question or you have asked the wrong person. Find a way to get the ‘yes’.”

–Jeanette Winterson

I am often faced with situations where I have to find the ‘yes’.

It’s not easy to get to the ‘yes’ because hidden in the ‘yes’ is the internal belief that I’m deserving of a ‘yes’. Also hidden is the ability to be able to handle a ‘no’ without feeling defeated and rejected.

There are also boundaries to observe. There is a huge difference between someone who pushes their way to a ‘yes’ vs. someone who gracefully perseveres in the direction of a ‘yes’ without violating their own, as well as other people’s boundaries.

Still deeper, and even more hidden, is the ‘yes’ answer we give ourselves when we start to believe in our own capacity, talents, worthiness and potential. This kind of ‘yes’ is not one where we have measured ourselves against others in order to see where we stand and who we are. This ‘yes’ is about the acceptance, love, acknowledgment and gratitude for who we are in that exact moment, the acceptance of being perfectly imperfect.

The key is to make sure you’re not saying ‘no’ to yourself before you have the opportunity to ask for what you want, and to be patient enough to wait for and search for the ‘yes’.

Perks of Being a Counselor: being able to give myself the permission to ask for what I want and need because I know that even if someone else’s answer for me is ‘no’, I am very capable of saying ‘yes’ to myself.

You don’t have to.

“No.” That’s a full sentence.

I have worked with many clients who have a hard time saying “no”. Many of my clients are women. And in our society, women saying “no” is less acceptable than men who say “no”.

So I thought I’d make a short list of ways you can say “no”, whether you’re a man or woman, boy or girl.

Ways to Say ‘No’:

No.
I’ll have to think about that.
I can’t, but thanks for asking.
I don’t have time.
I’m unable to do that.
Not this time, maybe next time.
I’m not sure I have the expertise in that area to help you.
I did it last time. I would appreciate us taking turns.
I’m busy, maybe next time.
That date doesn’t work for me, but how about this one?
I’m not interested in that.
I don’t want to.
No, but thanks for checking.