You don’t have to continually explain yourself…

One of the basic needs in human beings is to be seen and understood by those whom we interact with. In fact, the need to be seen is so strong that attention received for anything we do will be taken in as if it’s water quenching a extreme thirst.

This has a myriad of implications. On the one hand, those giving the “attention” can literally shape our interactions with others, early childhood caregivers being first and foremost on the list. Depending on what they choose to “pay” attention to, that is exactly what they will get more of.

On the other hand, depending on what we see getting the attention of our loved ones, we will do more of, sometimes consciously and sometimes subconsciously.

Human beings want to connect, want to be heard and understood. We will continually repeat behaviors over and over again if we think it will get us the “attention” we need and desire.

However, as we become more self-aware, and as we start to process and understand our past, our pain, our history and our life, we begin to understand our own behaviors and who we are. We start to see that no matter how we’ve grown and changed, that some people are deeply committed to “seeing” us and “paying attention” to us in ways they have done in the past. This does not mean that we haven’t changed. It means they haven’t changed. And as such, they are committed to “seeing” us the way they always have.

Give yourself permission to stop explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you.

Perks of being a counselor:

Not only being able to give myself permission to not have to explain myself, but for those who want someone else’s permission, being the person who is happy to step up and give them the permission & reminder to be themselves. Be you. Be’you’tiful.

If a tree falls…

Today I forgot to wear my Apple Watch when I went for my walk (let me just acknowledge the privilege in that first statement before I go on). So I don’t know how many steps I took, calories I burned or miles I walked. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t do it and it doesn’t mean I didn’t and won’t benefit from it.

In a world where documenting life has become the norm, sometimes we might feel like if we don’t take a picture or record what we’re doing, that what we’ve done doesn’t count.

I feel the most healthy when no one actually knows what I’m doing. It’s not that I don’t want to share my successes (and failures) with others. It’s just that when no one knows what I’m doing, I know I’m doing it for myself. And even more importantly, if I’m able to continue to do something healthy for myself without accountability to anyone else but myself, then I personally feel like I’ve made the most progress in advancing towards a healthier lifestyle.

Don’t get me wrong, I love social media. In moderation. And I do love seeing other people do well and learn from them through their social media posts. But I guess like everything else in life, I’m always seeking balance.

So for those of you doing well and/or struggling, I see you, even when you don’t post about it on social media. Know that your life is very much “normal” because the normal state of human being and human becoming is a state of flux, a state of imbalance and ups and downs. There is no such thing as “normal,” only how we choose to respond to life. And that response is different for each one of us because we are all unique.

Perks of being a counselor:

Knowing that “normal” is overrated. I’ve had the most learning and fun in life in moments that have gone unrecorded and undocumented which occurred in the most “abnormal” situations and experiences.

Sense of wonder…

Recognizing and being aware of your perspective on life can have miraculous consequences.

How would you live your life differently if you chose to see what you look at and/or the people you interact with as if it was the first time or the last time you’re seeing them?

And if you would behave differently, why aren’t you behaving differently right now?

I can’t tell you how many clients I have spoken with who have told me if they knew it was the last time they were going to see a loved one, that they would have let them know how much they loved them and how much they meant to them.

So why wait? Tell them right now. Go. Do it. Right this minute. I promise you won’t regret it.

Perks of Being a Counselor:

Always knowing that each session with a client may be the last one and so making sure that each one of my clients walks away with me having given them the best I have to give as their therapist. And then using the same process with all my loved ones.

Do I always succeed? No. But that doesn’t mean I stop trying.

What if the answer is YES?!

“What is ‘no’? Either you have asked the wrong question or you have asked the wrong person. Find a way to get the ‘yes’.”

–Jeanette Winterson

I am often faced with situations where I have to find the ‘yes’.

It’s not easy to get to the ‘yes’ because hidden in the ‘yes’ is the internal belief that I’m deserving of a ‘yes’. Also hidden is the ability to be able to handle a ‘no’ without feeling defeated and rejected.

There are also boundaries to observe. There is a huge difference between someone who pushes their way to a ‘yes’ vs. someone who gracefully perseveres in the direction of a ‘yes’ without violating their own, as well as other people’s boundaries.

Still deeper, and even more hidden, is the ‘yes’ answer we give ourselves when we start to believe in our own capacity, talents, worthiness and potential. This kind of ‘yes’ is not one where we have measured ourselves against others in order to see where we stand and who we are. This ‘yes’ is about the acceptance, love, acknowledgment and gratitude for who we are in that exact moment, the acceptance of being perfectly imperfect.

The key is to make sure you’re not saying ‘no’ to yourself before you have the opportunity to ask for what you want, and to be patient enough to wait for and search for the ‘yes’.

Perks of Being a Counselor: being able to give myself the permission to ask for what I want and need because I know that even if someone else’s answer for me is ‘no’, I am very capable of saying ‘yes’ to myself.

I can do this because I’ve done it before…

If you’re like me, you often conveniently or accidentally forget how hard you’ve worked to make it through some of the rough times.

How you talk to yourself and what you think about yourself is extremely important. Your words and thoughts do affect you and your well-being.

It has been postured that talking to plants can help them grow. Imagine if you spoke to yourself in a way that would help you grow, what would that sound like? What would you say?

(To learn more about why talking to plants might be helpful, visit the following site: https://wonderopolis.org/wonder/does-talking-to-plants-help-them-grow)

So take some notes about your life, especially about the times you overcame what may have at the time seemed like insurmountable odds, write yourself a letter, document your successes and read it to yourself over and over again when you feel all is lost. Speak to yourself the way you would to a loved one.

Perks of being a counselor? Witnessing growth and change in others when I sit with them in therapy in that painfully uncomfortable space where their doubts and sorrows live, seeing what happens when they are fully validated and accepted for who they are without any judgment and are truly seen and heard. Then knowing that I can do exactly the same same for myself, sit with my own pain and sense of failure, have a loving dialogue with the hurt parts of myself, because while I am no better than anyone else, I am no less than them either and deserve to be loved, cherished and cared for.

Working together…

No, we’re not getting married or running for office. Lol!

The picture you see here is one of me and my ex-husband, walking down the aisle together as co-parents at our eldest daughter’s wedding this past December.

It took us a few years to get to this point, time I’m hoping many of you who are newly divorced will not waste on parenting against each other instead of with each other.

No, we’re not the perfect co-parents after our marriage ended as the picture above may insinuate. We are not nor will ever be perfect at co-parenting. However, we can learn to work together instead of expending energy working against each other.

I don’t know about you, but as I get older, I have less and less energy to spend on arguing and fighting with anyone, much less the father of my children.

Besides the personal health benefits of not being in a tug of war with your ex-partner/spouse, your children are the ones who benefit most from an amicable co-parenting situation.

And this is the key point here, that your children deserve to have two parents who work together to ensure the best outcome for each of their children despite possibly having their own personal, less than favorable thoughts and opinions of their ex-partner/spouse.

So learn from me. Don’t spend your time negating each other. Find a way to harmonize whatever time you have to co-parent with your ex-partner/spouse and find it in yourself to be the bigger person, if you have to, in order for your children to have peace of mind and heart that they are loved and taken care of by both of their primary caregivers.

A win-win situation for all.

**Disclaimer:

Please note that I recognize there are many situations in co-parenting where the other person is simply absent, non-cooperative, abusive, dangerous and manipulative. I am by no means stating that you have any control over how the other person is behaving nor that you should subject yourself and/or your children to abuse, danger and/or physical harm. Each situation and each family is unique. Please seek professional help if you feel you and/or your children are in danger.

Besides 911, I have provided other helpful phone numbers below.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Anger isn’t always bad.

Anger gets a bad rep. Counselors, psychologists and just people in general have a hard time addressing anger at its core. Often times anger is dismissed and “underlying emotions” are addressed as the core emotions.

Sometimes it’s true that other core emotions such as fear, sadness, anxiety, and such are actually the root of the anger displayed. But this is not universally and always true. Sometimes anger is just anger. Pure, raw, powerful and full of energy.

Can we try to accept anger for what it is and instead of dismissing it, channel it into something productive and life changing? This is a challenge I want to put out there to you. Instead of dismissing the anger you feel, channel its awesome energy and power into something useful in your life and try to make a positive change using your anger as fuel for your transformation. Empower yourself by telling yourself it’s okay to feel anger as long as you use it for good instead of destroying yourself and your relationships with others. Stop believing you don’t have control over your ability to take charge of your feelings. Feel your feelings, all of them. Don’t label them as good or bad. Just feel. And take the energy each feeling produces and channel it in a meaningful way so that you can make a positive difference in your own life as well as the life of the community in which you live.

There is no such thing as a “bad” feeling. All feelings are valid and equal in their ability to be useful or destructive. You get to choose how you will use your feelings. YOU are the one in charge. Breathe. Observe. Think and reflect. And then…Carry on.

Lesson: Anger can be used as fuel to get you to where you want to be. It’s not about being destructive. It’s about being constructive with whatever you have and whatever you’re feeling at the moment. Believe me, I’m a counselor. I get angry and it pisses me off when my anger is negated or villianized. Being pissed off is life’s way of giving you a little shot of caffeine so you can get off your ass and do something different. Don’t be calm. Rage on and conquer your life!

Don’t wait…

We often wait for life to be this way or that way before we make a move or do something we’ve always wanted to do.

The truth is that life will never be exactly the way we want it to be, it will never be perfect.

Life is messy. The winds will blow. Your hair will be messy. The sun will come out. Live and love anyway. Take pictures anyway. Live now. Follow your passions. Follow your heart. Don’t wait.

Perks of being a counselor: knowing there is no such thing as a perfect time or perfect life. The only perfection is how perfectly imperfect we all are. ❤️

Timelines

Sometimes you accidentally run into timelines of other people that match up with your old timeline. However, their timeline continues uninterrupted while yours takes a departure from your projected and estimated trajectory. It’s always a little jarring when you see the timeline that’s uninterrupted and start comparing it to yours. You start wondering if maybe this uninterrupted timeline could have been your life and then you look for where things changed. It’s an exhausting and defeating process. It presupposes that one single act can determine the fate of your timeline. It also presupposes that one outcome is better than another.

Life is not like that. If it were, there would be an antidote or a counter action that would protect you from that other “action” that is the determining factor in the change of trajectory. (Now I’m getting into Quantum Physics, which I love by the way.) 😉

In reality, there is no way to pinpoint a single moment when things change. While there are single events that change us forever, life is a continuous flow of moments that lead from one to another. Every time I have tried to look for that single moment, I have had to look at the moment before that and the one before that and on and on and on. It is actually easier to look forward and change actions in present mode for future benefit.

So where’s the perk?

I suppose the perk of being a counselor in this situation is to know at any given moment you have the power to change the future.

Burning Bridges

As a counselor I have hope in almost everything and everyone. It is also who I am as a person. Some would argue I have too much hope and see life with rose colored glasses despite all that I have personally experienced and all that I have heard about the grief of others, “la vie en rose,” (listen to this song if you ever have a chance).

All I know is that I have always had the presence of the “Divine” or “higher power” in my life. Even in my loneliest, I have truly never been or felt alone. However, having said this, I have learned a lot in the last few years about having hope in every situation and everyone.

Lesson 1:

Everything and everyone has the potential of change but not everything and everyone will reach that potential in a timeline that we are able to witness.

Lesson 2:

When we choose to leave certain people and things in the time and space they belong and occupy, we are not forgetting them and their time with us. We are operating with the virtue of justice by letting people occupy their space and time and allowing ourselves to move on and occupy our own space and time.

Lesson 3:

We need energy and fuel to power our way through our new, and most likely, different journey. We cannot exist simultaneously in two or more dimensions of time without severe exhaustion and lack of motivation. We have to choose, and sadly, sometimes our fuel and guidance comes from the light provided by the bridges we burn to our past.

Lesson 4:

While you may choose to return to an older period of time, you have to remember that you return as a changed person and therefore will possibly, and in all likelihood, have different reactions and behaviors. Don’t be surprised if you realize something or someone from your past isn’t as interesting or is more interesting than you thought originally.

Lesson 5:

There is a lesson in everything. Find it, especially when you have the least amount of understanding of what’s going on. It will always shed light on a situation.

Lesson 6:

Hope applies to everyone. It’s an equal opportunity concept. If you have hope in every situation and everyone else, that means there is also hope for you and your situation. You are not the exception to the rule.

Lesson 7:

There are connections between every act, person, thing and situation. Find what the connections are. They are the yellow brick road that will lead you to the treasure at the end of the rainbow.

Once again, I’m not saying anything you can’t think of or haven’t possibly thought of yourself. I just happen to be trained to look for these things as part of my job and in my own life. You can become this aware as well.

In fact, you might already be.

I am grateful for this kind of awareness. It is most definitely one of the perks of being a counselor.