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Everything is Everything

The ever evolving Yasaman (me) believes everything can and does happen simultaneously. In other words, you can’t wait to be healed before you begin a journey and you don’t have to master self-love before loving others, nor is self-love a prerequisite for others to love you. Daily evolution, for me, is to accept the fullness of what being human is…a never ending transformation fueled by engagement with self, others and our environment, a circular connection and interaction with the seen and unseen.

The illusion we are given in this plane of existence is that everything is linear. However, in actuality, that is just one perception of the representation of this physical world. A holistic approach to reality would demonstrate a more comprehensive truth…that nothing is linear and that not only are multiple things happening at the same time, but within each different representation of reality, there are numerous dimensions. While it may feel like there is no single answer, we still find that all responses can lead to one single place and space in time, that thing called LOVE.

What is LOVE? It’s lots of things. I bet that we can explain most things and phenomenas in terms of the force that LOVE is. For example, gravity is love. It is the force that pulls objects together. The the pull of certain atoms to be together is their love for one another. What we see is LOVE in the form of planets orbiting each other.

Growth is love. When the flowers grow toward sunlight, it is their molecules’ love for energy production through photosynthesis that guides them to light. What we see in turn, is the blossoming of a flower. What we are witnessing is LOVE in the form of a chemical reaction.

Music is love. It is the beauty of the melody that is created when notes are put together. Beautiful music is just notes that love one another. What we hear is what LOVE sounds like.

And so everything is everything.

I cannot evolve on my own no matter how much I love myself, just like a note by itself is not music. I have to be open to experiencing everything, sometimes chronologically and linearly according to my limited human capabilities at that time. But I have to also be open to the idea of different life experiences happening simultaneously, which I believe is how most of life events unfold in order to create the most beautiful symphony.

Perks of being a counselor:

Knowing that when I’m out of tune, it’s because I’m learning to make a better song. Everything is everything. Everything and everyone is linked to everything and everyone else.

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Just Love ♥️

Just LOVE ♥️
(I’m going to pitch this idea to Nike. 😉)

“Love, I thought to myself abstractedly. Not ‘This is love.’ or ‘Is this love?’ Not a sentence, not a certainty, not a thought with moving parts or direction. Just love, all of it, as it is. Whether it’s enough or not. Wthether it’s real or we’re making it up. However shoddy it gets, or bent out of shape. It’s still extraordinary. However foolish, however vain. However badly it ends. Love.”

― Julian Gough

Perks of being a counselor: Learning from working with so many different people that no one ever regretted loving too much. They did regret not loving enough, but never too much.

So I’m passing this learning on to you in the hopes that any opportunity you have to love, you will go all out!

Love as much as there are stars in the universe and as long as their stardust continues to exist amongst us all.

💫✨💫

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March 2020

Besides the arrival of the Corona Virus, Spring has also arrived.

A lot has happened in the last 2 months. One could say the whole world has turned upside down and inside out.

We’ve learned new phrases such as social distancing and become “experts” in Covid-19. We’ve learned that toilet paper is a hotter commodity in times of international panic than maybe even food. We’ve had to listen to our president address us almost on a daily basis and have learned about the World Health Organization and Center for Disease Control.

Our jobs have had to transform from in person interactions to online platforms overnight and our homes have become our centers of ALL activities. We are cooking more than ever before, spending more time with our families than ever before and have had to learn to be still and patient more than ever before.

Our skin on our hands are dry and peeling from all the hand washing and surfaces have never been as clean as they are now.

On the one hand, we are weary of anyone who so much as looks like they are going to cough and yet at the same time we are much more drawn to being out and about and interacting with others than ever before.

The irony of being told to stay home and do nothing and not being able to follow through, when in the past we might have even prayed for this kind of down time and eagerly accepted it, is not lost on me. We don’t like to be told what to do, unless we agree with what’s being asked of us.

Life has transformed from making plans to go out with friends to figuring out what to do all day, every day, at home along side the people who live with us.

How does everything that’s happening affect our mental health? The answer is not simple or easy. The truth is that for every single person, the width, depth and breadth of this time period’s effect on us will be different.

So what can you do? Without being too prescriptive, I’d like to put out some suggestions that I try to do myself when I’m feeling lost or overwhelmed. Here are some ideas in no particular order. I hope you find this list helpful.

When you’re lost or overwhelmed:

1. Create a loose schedule to structure your day.

2. Insert some kind of movement in your day. It can be yoga, dance, walking in place, jumping jacks, sit ups, going up and down your stairs, watching a YouTube video of some kind of movement, etc.

3. Treat yourself. Create deadlines for yourself and then reward yourself with a movie, a piece of chocolate, a nap, playing with your dogs or kids, etc. Do something that helps you to feel better about yourself.

4. Watch a YouTube video and learn a new skill. It doesn’t have to be something super hard. Watch a make-up tutorial and learn how to put on your fake eye lashes. Watch a hair tutorial and learn how to fish braid your daughter’s hair. Learn to cook something new or fix something that’s been broken a long time. Learn how to say simple phrases in a new language. The world is your oyster!

5. Check in on friends using any of the free video platforms available to you. You can use Facebook Messenger to video chat, WhatsApp, FaceTime, Zoom, Skype, etc.

6. Start your own unique weekly group event. For example, you can set up a weekly Skype meeting with friends where everyone shares their favorite book, recipe, show, quote, poem, music, sports trivia, etc.

7. Share your expertise with others. Host a weekly, bi-monthly or monthly event through a video platform and share your knowledge about a particular topic with others.

8. Get creative! Re-purpose some of the items of your home for other uses.

9. Rearrange your furniture. Change things up in your home, move things around. You can always move them back.

10. Schedule self care time for yourself every day. It doesn’t have to be long. You can paint your nails, read a book, read the news, scroll through social media, stretch, meditate, journal, write your own blog, put on a face mask, pray, look up sports statistics and trivia, etc.

Most of all, don’t judge yourself for where you’re at right now. No one has ever lived through what we’re going through right now. How can we have a standard to judge ourselves when such unprecedented times have never occurred in our lifetime?

Perks of being a counselor:

We’re all doing the best we can. And we’ve learned slowly, but surely, that we can do hard things. Yes we can!

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“I wish you pain” ❤️

“I wish you pain.” “But why?” You might ask? Here’s one way to look at pain:

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

As 2019 comes to a close, it’s important to take time to reflect on how you got through life this past year.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself:

1. What was one of the most difficult experiences of 2019?

2. How did I get through this difficulty?

3. Is there a pattern connected to this difficulty I experienced in 2019? (In other words, have I experienced something similar in the past?)

4. If so, what was the theme?

5. What did I learn about myself after this experience?

6. How do I want to do things differently moving forward?

7. What was one good thing that happened to me in 2019?

8. What did I learn about myself during and after this good thing happened?

9. How did I participate in creating this good experience and what can I do to create more good experiences in my life?

10. What is one way I helped another person this past year?

11. How did that feel?

12. How do I want to participate in acts of service and kindness in 2020?

I will leave you with the lyrics of Andy Grammer’s new song, “Wish You Pain.” He said it better than I can. While I don’t ever wish for anyone to deal with tragedy, I am aware of the growth connected to suffering and depth of understanding of what is most important in life when one experiences deep sorrow. And since life is filled with not just happiness, but also pain and sorrow, we can, at the very least, try to gain something from it by reflecting on how it has helped us grow.

“I hope your doubts come like monsters
And terrorize your dreams
I hope you feel the lonely hopelessness
‘Cause no one else believes
I hope you question whether you ever really had a chance at all

I hope your fear is thick like poison
It gets into your blood
I hope you push until you cannot breathe
And it’s still not enough
I hope you put your life out on the line
And everybody watches while you fall

‘Cause I love you more than you could know
And your heart, it grows every time it breaks
I know that it might sound strange

But I wish you pain
Wish you pain
It’s hard to say
But I wish you pain

I hope people break their promises
Leave you in the cold
I hope they beat your heart to pieces
Worse than you’ve ever known
I hope you finally arrive, only to find you’re nowhere close

I hope you cry and tears come streaming down your face
I hope this life traps you in more than you thought you could ever take
I hope the help you want never comes and you do it on your own

‘Cause I love you more than you could know
And your heart, it grows every time it breaks
I know that it might sound strange

But I wish you pain
Wish you pain
It’s hard to say
But I wish you pain

I love you more than you could even know
Been here before and I just wanna see you grow
Want you to grow

‘Cause everything that matters most
That’s where it goes by a different name
I know that it might sound strange

But I wish you pain
I wish you pain
It’s hard to say
Wish you pain

I love you more than you could even know
I’ve been here before and I just wanna see you grow
Want you to grow”

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Andrew Grammer / Ryan Met / Thomas Meredith

Wish You Pain lyrics © BMG Rights Management, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

(Check out his song while you’re at it. YouTube link below.)

https://youtu.be/12Us5nPWouY

Perks of being a counselor:

Having been to the end of the tunnel numerous times, not just in my own life, but witnessed it through the stories of others, and having seen the light in order to be able to know and reassure you that there is, indeed, some form of transformation and light at the end of the tunnel.

I wish you pain…and love, happiness, joy, peace, health, prosperity and well-being in all areas of your life too!

Happy New Year! Thank you for all your love and support! I appreciate you! ❤️

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Healing…

“The brain-disease model overlooks four fundamental truths: (1) our capacity to destroy one another is matched by our capacity to heal one another. Restoring relationships and community is central to restoring well-being; (2) language gives us the power to change ourselves and others by communicating our experiences, helping us to define what we know, and finding a common sense of meaning; (3) we have the ability to regulate our own physiology, including some of the so-called involuntary functions of the body and brain, through such basic activities as breathing, moving, and touching; and (4) we can change social conditions to create environments in which children and adults can feel safe and where they can thrive.

When we ignore these quintessential dimensions of humanity, we deprive people of ways to heal from trauma and restore their autonomy. Being a patient, rather than a participant in one’s healing process, separates suffering people from their community and alienates them from an inner sense of self.”
― Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

Here’s the thing…

There is no drug that will address your trauma, talk to it, listen to it, feel it for you, erase it, undo it, touch it, hug it, love it, sit with it, work through it, breath through it, care for it, talk about it and/or heal it for you. There just isn’t.

When you think about it, how can a situation that caused so much pain, suffering and trauma for you be eradicated by a pill made for all? While I wish such a magic “cure” existed, the reality and truth of it is that humanity has forgotten what it means to be human and to have human experiences, and as a result, we have watered down and oversimplified what it takes to heal from some of those experiences.

Just like no pill can describe the incredible depth of suffering some life experiences can bring upon us, no pill can create the connection it takes to heal from those experiences.

Labeling ourselves as “diseased” no longer means “dis-ease” or lack of ease and comfort. In today’s world, “disease” is used as a label to separate, segregate and medicate.

If you think about it, when you’re in a state of “dis-ease”, wouldn’t it make more sense to try to find out what is causing the lack of ease in the situation? Or would you just take a pill and hope it addresses the discomfort, though the origin of it has not been explored? Wouldn’t it make more sense to explore the origin of the pain and address that instead of pathologizing ourselves and in turn, trying to find the quickest “fix” out of the “dis-ease”?

In the end, whatever your belief is about what brings about healing, we can all recognize that the current system is not working.

And…if nothing changes, nothing changes.

Perks of being a counselor:

Using my own human experiences in life, both good ones and difficult ones, to be able to connect with others so that they can see their own humanity. The truth is that, as humans, we are much more alike than different. And once we know we are not alone in our suffering, anything is possible, even healing.

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BOUNDARIES! Couldn’t have said it any better myself!

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries…

“There is a perception that speaking up for boundaries is somehow introducing conflict into a situation, or at very least, escalating it in an unkind way, like, everything was fine until you spoke up for your needs and now you made it weird. But not speaking up is not making the situation better, it’s just giving the other person more license to operate and communicating that you are okay with the behavior. There is no prize for being the world’s most stoic and accommodating person. A friendship that cannot survive the momentary discomfort of you standing up for your needs is not actually a friendship worth holding onto. Nobody loves being told that they are screwing up, obviously, but if you don’t have the ability to ever take any negative feedback along the lines of ‘Hey, could you not do that one thing anymore, thanks?’ from a friend, YOU are the problem. When told that they are stepping on someone’s foot, good adult people will apologize and get off the foot and not perpetuate a FEELINGS DUMP about their need to really stand on other’s feet sometimes.

Communicating ‘Hey, that’s where my boundary is, thanks,’ IS KINDNESS.

It is giving the other person the tools they need to be in a good relationship with you.”

~Jennifer Peepas

Perks of being a counselor:

Constantly having the opportunity to practice the art of establishing healthy boundaries because it’s important to practice what you preach.

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Sense of wonder…

Recognizing and being aware of your perspective on life can have miraculous consequences.

How would you live your life differently if you chose to see what you look at and/or the people you interact with as if it was the first time or the last time you’re seeing them?

And if you would behave differently, why aren’t you behaving differently right now?

I can’t tell you how many clients I have spoken with who have told me if they knew it was the last time they were going to see a loved one, that they would have let them know how much they loved them and how much they meant to them.

So why wait? Tell them right now. Go. Do it. Right this minute. I promise you won’t regret it.

Perks of Being a Counselor:

Always knowing that each session with a client may be the last one and so making sure that each one of my clients walks away with me having given them the best I have to give as their therapist. And then using the same process with all my loved ones.

Do I always succeed? No. But that doesn’t mean I stop trying.

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What if the answer is YES?!

“What is ‘no’? Either you have asked the wrong question or you have asked the wrong person. Find a way to get the ‘yes’.”

–Jeanette Winterson

I am often faced with situations where I have to find the ‘yes’.

It’s not easy to get to the ‘yes’ because hidden in the ‘yes’ is the internal belief that I’m deserving of a ‘yes’. Also hidden is the ability to be able to handle a ‘no’ without feeling defeated and rejected.

There are also boundaries to observe. There is a huge difference between someone who pushes their way to a ‘yes’ vs. someone who gracefully perseveres in the direction of a ‘yes’ without violating their own, as well as other people’s boundaries.

Still deeper, and even more hidden, is the ‘yes’ answer we give ourselves when we start to believe in our own capacity, talents, worthiness and potential. This kind of ‘yes’ is not one where we have measured ourselves against others in order to see where we stand and who we are. This ‘yes’ is about the acceptance, love, acknowledgment and gratitude for who we are in that exact moment, the acceptance of being perfectly imperfect.

The key is to make sure you’re not saying ‘no’ to yourself before you have the opportunity to ask for what you want, and to be patient enough to wait for and search for the ‘yes’.

Perks of Being a Counselor: being able to give myself the permission to ask for what I want and need because I know that even if someone else’s answer for me is ‘no’, I am very capable of saying ‘yes’ to myself.

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I can do this because I’ve done it before…

If you’re like me, you often conveniently or accidentally forget how hard you’ve worked to make it through some of the rough times.

How you talk to yourself and what you think about yourself is extremely important. Your words and thoughts do affect you and your well-being.

It has been postured that talking to plants can help them grow. Imagine if you spoke to yourself in a way that would help you grow, what would that sound like? What would you say?

(To learn more about why talking to plants might be helpful, visit the following site: https://wonderopolis.org/wonder/does-talking-to-plants-help-them-grow)

So take some notes about your life, especially about the times you overcame what may have at the time seemed like insurmountable odds, write yourself a letter, document your successes and read it to yourself over and over again when you feel all is lost. Speak to yourself the way you would to a loved one.

Perks of being a counselor? Witnessing growth and change in others when I sit with them in therapy in that painfully uncomfortable space where their doubts and sorrows live, seeing what happens when they are fully validated and accepted for who they are without any judgment and are truly seen and heard. Then knowing that I can do exactly the same same for myself, sit with my own pain and sense of failure, have a loving dialogue with the hurt parts of myself, because while I am no better than anyone else, I am no less than them either and deserve to be loved, cherished and cared for.