What are you paying for?

Attention…

It’s something every human being wants in one form or another. Whether it’s labeled love or money, it’s still a form of focus from one entity on another.

Attention can look like being loved, being taken care of, time spent together, and/or a paycheck for what you do as a service for others in your job, and it certainly it does not stop there.

Attention can also be paid/given to negative behaviors, and while the behaviors may be negative and undesirable, that attention can still be looked at as a reward. In other words, attention is attention, regardless of what behavior it’s addressing. It points out and highlights something that’s happening, even if what’s happening is bad.

Attention can also be connected to behaviors that are not necessarily the most adaptive. In other words, if someone else mistreats you or engages in poor behavior, and you’re constantly noticing that behavior and responding to it, then you are “paying attention” to that negative behavior. And not surprisingly, you will most likely get more of that behavior.

An example would be a child who is consistently reprimanded for his/her negative behavior but continues to engage in that negative behavior. While you may see yourself as attempting to correct the behavior as you continue to “pay attention” to the child in order to reprimand him/her, the child might see it as getting the attention he/she is looking for. He/she may then continue to behave negatively to continue to get the attention.

If we think of attention as money, basically you get what you pay for.

Quick caveat here: I am in no uncertain terms saying you should not address that negative behavior, especially when it is abusive and infringing on the rights of you and/or others. However, how you address that negative behavior has its own formula. That’s for another blog post.

What I’m saying here is that if you were to follow along with the idea of , “You get what you pay for,” you might want to “pay” your attention to when things are going well, instead of when things are falling apart.

In other words, if you want more of any particular kind of behavior, whether it be with your children, friends and/or other family members, finding the times when you see that behavior displayed in everyday life and “paying” attention to it by very specifically praising that behavior will produce greater results than “paying” attention to the times the behavior is not being displayed.

Think of attention and specific praise as currency. Spend it intentionally and wisely in your everyday experiences when things are going well. Tell people when they are behaving in a way that feels good to you and tell them exactly what it is they are doing that you like, and you will start to get exactly what you pay for.

Perks of being a counselor:

Knowing that I am always “wealthy” enough to ask for exactly what I need/want from others because there is no shortage in my ability to “pay attention” to the positive behaviors of others.

You are also wealthy enough to ask for and “pay” for what you want. 😊

BOUNDARIES! Couldn’t have said it any better myself!

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries…

“There is a perception that speaking up for boundaries is somehow introducing conflict into a situation, or at very least, escalating it in an unkind way, like, everything was fine until you spoke up for your needs and now you made it weird. But not speaking up is not making the situation better, it’s just giving the other person more license to operate and communicating that you are okay with the behavior. There is no prize for being the world’s most stoic and accommodating person. A friendship that cannot survive the momentary discomfort of you standing up for your needs is not actually a friendship worth holding onto. Nobody loves being told that they are screwing up, obviously, but if you don’t have the ability to ever take any negative feedback along the lines of ‘Hey, could you not do that one thing anymore, thanks?’ from a friend, YOU are the problem. When told that they are stepping on someone’s foot, good adult people will apologize and get off the foot and not perpetuate a FEELINGS DUMP about their need to really stand on other’s feet sometimes.

Communicating ‘Hey, that’s where my boundary is, thanks,’ IS KINDNESS.

It is giving the other person the tools they need to be in a good relationship with you.”

~Jennifer Peepas

Perks of being a counselor:

Constantly having the opportunity to practice the art of establishing healthy boundaries because it’s important to practice what you preach.

Masks…

Since it’s Halloween, let’s talk about this one day a year (or so we think), when we get to dress up and be someone else for a short period of time. Ironically, being someone else on Halloween is not only allowed, but that’s how you “do” Halloween. That’s the whole point…to be someone else.

Interestingly enough, the rest of the year, many, if not all of us, continue to wear invisible masks in order to “do” life. The more invisible masks we wear, the more complicated life becomes. We have our home masks and our work masks; our party masks and our “I’m okay” masks. We have our “I’m confident” masks and our “I’m not going to let them see me cry” masks.

What if, just for one day, we didn’t wear any masks and our inner and outer life was congruent? What if we were authentically ourselves and let Halloween do it’s job once a year, instead of the dressing up and pretending lasting all year long, for our whole life?

How might this world be a different place if we acknowledged our pain, sadness and grief? Our lack of confidence and our loneliness? What if we were exactly who we are?

I’m venturing to guess that what we’d see is that we are so much more alike than different. We are all suffering in some way and we are all experiencing some kind of joy too. We might see more of ourselves in others because now instead of looking at others and seeing their masks, we look and see ourselves reflected in someone else. We exchange metaphorical Masks for metaphorical Mirrors.

And…if I look at you and see a part of myself, aren’t I more likely to feel connected to you?

Yes. I certainly am.

Perks of being a counselor:

Having a job that has taught me to take off my mask and see a part of myself in every encounter with another person so that I can connect, empathize and “see” them for who they really are instead of who society tells them they should be.

And oh my goodness the beauty that unfolds when a human being is really “seen” and “heard”!!! ❤️

You don’t have to continually explain yourself…

One of the basic needs in human beings is to be seen and understood by those whom we interact with. In fact, the need to be seen is so strong that attention received for anything we do will be taken in as if it’s water quenching a extreme thirst.

This has a myriad of implications. On the one hand, those giving the “attention” can literally shape our interactions with others, early childhood caregivers being first and foremost on the list. Depending on what they choose to “pay” attention to, that is exactly what they will get more of.

On the other hand, depending on what we see getting the attention of our loved ones, we will do more of, sometimes consciously and sometimes subconsciously.

Human beings want to connect, want to be heard and understood. We will continually repeat behaviors over and over again if we think it will get us the “attention” we need and desire.

However, as we become more self-aware, and as we start to process and understand our past, our pain, our history and our life, we begin to understand our own behaviors and who we are. We start to see that no matter how we’ve grown and changed, that some people are deeply committed to “seeing” us and “paying attention” to us in ways they have done in the past. This does not mean that we haven’t changed. It means they haven’t changed. And as such, they are committed to “seeing” us the way they always have.

Give yourself permission to stop explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you.

Perks of being a counselor:

Not only being able to give myself permission to not have to explain myself, but for those who want someone else’s permission, being the person who is happy to step up and give them the permission & reminder to be themselves. Be you. Be’you’tiful.

It’s not the critic who counts…

I bow to those in the arena.

There is no other way to live life than to actually live it, and in doing so, dare greatly, love much, try and try again, laugh often, forgive yourself, show vulnerability, apologize when you needed and get back up and try again always.

Carry on…

Perks of being a counselor:

Watching your clients learn how to dare greatly, succeed and fail, and then get right back up and try again.

If a tree falls…

Today I forgot to wear my Apple Watch when I went for my walk (let me just acknowledge the privilege in that first statement before I go on). So I don’t know how many steps I took, calories I burned or miles I walked. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t do it and it doesn’t mean I didn’t and won’t benefit from it.

In a world where documenting life has become the norm, sometimes we might feel like if we don’t take a picture or record what we’re doing, that what we’ve done doesn’t count.

I feel the most healthy when no one actually knows what I’m doing. It’s not that I don’t want to share my successes (and failures) with others. It’s just that when no one knows what I’m doing, I know I’m doing it for myself. And even more importantly, if I’m able to continue to do something healthy for myself without accountability to anyone else but myself, then I personally feel like I’ve made the most progress in advancing towards a healthier lifestyle.

Don’t get me wrong, I love social media. In moderation. And I do love seeing other people do well and learn from them through their social media posts. But I guess like everything else in life, I’m always seeking balance.

So for those of you doing well and/or struggling, I see you, even when you don’t post about it on social media. Know that your life is very much “normal” because the normal state of human being and human becoming is a state of flux, a state of imbalance and ups and downs. There is no such thing as “normal,” only how we choose to respond to life. And that response is different for each one of us because we are all unique.

Perks of being a counselor:

Knowing that “normal” is overrated. I’ve had the most learning and fun in life in moments that have gone unrecorded and undocumented which occurred in the most “abnormal” situations and experiences.

Sense of wonder…

Recognizing and being aware of your perspective on life can have miraculous consequences.

How would you live your life differently if you chose to see what you look at and/or the people you interact with as if it was the first time or the last time you’re seeing them?

And if you would behave differently, why aren’t you behaving differently right now?

I can’t tell you how many clients I have spoken with who have told me if they knew it was the last time they were going to see a loved one, that they would have let them know how much they loved them and how much they meant to them.

So why wait? Tell them right now. Go. Do it. Right this minute. I promise you won’t regret it.

Perks of Being a Counselor:

Always knowing that each session with a client may be the last one and so making sure that each one of my clients walks away with me having given them the best I have to give as their therapist. And then using the same process with all my loved ones.

Do I always succeed? No. But that doesn’t mean I stop trying.

What if the answer is YES?!

“What is ‘no’? Either you have asked the wrong question or you have asked the wrong person. Find a way to get the ‘yes’.”

–Jeanette Winterson

I am often faced with situations where I have to find the ‘yes’.

It’s not easy to get to the ‘yes’ because hidden in the ‘yes’ is the internal belief that I’m deserving of a ‘yes’. Also hidden is the ability to be able to handle a ‘no’ without feeling defeated and rejected.

There are also boundaries to observe. There is a huge difference between someone who pushes their way to a ‘yes’ vs. someone who gracefully perseveres in the direction of a ‘yes’ without violating their own, as well as other people’s boundaries.

Still deeper, and even more hidden, is the ‘yes’ answer we give ourselves when we start to believe in our own capacity, talents, worthiness and potential. This kind of ‘yes’ is not one where we have measured ourselves against others in order to see where we stand and who we are. This ‘yes’ is about the acceptance, love, acknowledgment and gratitude for who we are in that exact moment, the acceptance of being perfectly imperfect.

The key is to make sure you’re not saying ‘no’ to yourself before you have the opportunity to ask for what you want, and to be patient enough to wait for and search for the ‘yes’.

Perks of Being a Counselor: being able to give myself the permission to ask for what I want and need because I know that even if someone else’s answer for me is ‘no’, I am very capable of saying ‘yes’ to myself.

On Grief…

Grief is heavy. It’s like carrying around a weighted blanket with you for the rest of your life, except it’s not comforting to be weighed down. Everything becomes more laborious. Your movements slow down. Your thinking slows down. It’s like you’re carrying around with you the entire world and all the pain and suffering that has ever existed from the beginning of time, all. the. time.

You see people around you moving about their lives and it feels like you’re in a slow motion movie while everyone else’s life has been sped up. Every now and then, someone steps out of their fast-paced dimensions just long enough for you to be able to see their faces and for them to see yours, but no one can stay in your slow world with you, no one is allowed. It’s the kind of restricted access no one would ever wish for, but here you are, and here you will be forever.

You learn to start walking with this heaviness weighing you down. Some days it feels like you’re walking in tar and can barely take a step forward. Other times, it feels more like you’re moving in water, still hard but much more preferable to the dark tar. You learn to appreciate walking the earth with your heavy blanket as long as you can still move and feel the earth beneath your feet. Slowly, you forget you’re being weighed down and learn that this is your new gravity, your new posture.

You start to feel gratitude for this blanket because it’s a reminder of your love for the person, for YOUR person, who has died. Eventually, the blanket becomes your protection from the speedy lives everyone else is living. You realize that while you’ve slowed down, become immobilized at times, you’ve also been able to see the moments within the moments that everyone else is missing.

At some point, you’re able to recognize the faces of others who are also moving slowly through time. You find them and they find you, and without any words, you KNOW and recognize each other. You know what is happening, you see each other’s weighted blankets and you recognize the beautiful designs on them. You begin to see that the blanket is no longer painful to carry because while you’re still weighed down, you have built some very strong heart muscles to carry all the grief and love. And so you continue to walk.

That is all. You continue to walk. That is all, that is EVERYTHING.

Perks of being a counselor: inter-dimensional access and journeying with those who have built the strongest of hearts. I see you.

💓🙏🏽💓

I can do this because I’ve done it before…

If you’re like me, you often conveniently or accidentally forget how hard you’ve worked to make it through some of the rough times.

How you talk to yourself and what you think about yourself is extremely important. Your words and thoughts do affect you and your well-being.

It has been postured that talking to plants can help them grow. Imagine if you spoke to yourself in a way that would help you grow, what would that sound like? What would you say?

(To learn more about why talking to plants might be helpful, visit the following site: https://wonderopolis.org/wonder/does-talking-to-plants-help-them-grow)

So take some notes about your life, especially about the times you overcame what may have at the time seemed like insurmountable odds, write yourself a letter, document your successes and read it to yourself over and over again when you feel all is lost. Speak to yourself the way you would to a loved one.

Perks of being a counselor? Witnessing growth and change in others when I sit with them in therapy in that painfully uncomfortable space where their doubts and sorrows live, seeing what happens when they are fully validated and accepted for who they are without any judgment and are truly seen and heard. Then knowing that I can do exactly the same same for myself, sit with my own pain and sense of failure, have a loving dialogue with the hurt parts of myself, because while I am no better than anyone else, I am no less than them either and deserve to be loved, cherished and cared for.